Let’s Talk About Anxiety: From Panic Attacks to Healing

In this episode, I share my personal journey with anxiety - from early physical symptoms to severe panic attacks, and the long process of learning how to live with and manage it.

This is an honest and grounded conversation about what anxiety really looks like beyond textbook definitions. I explore the connection between the body, mind and emotions, and how unresolved stress can manifest physically. 

You’ll hear about:

•  my first experience of anxiety and psychosomatic symptoms 
•  living with IBS and a sensitive nervous system 
•  panic attacks and emotional overwhelm after a major life change 
•  the role of overthinking and daily stress patterns 
•  the shift from control to observation that changed everything 
•  realistic expectations around healing anxiety 

This episode is for anyone who:

•  struggles with anxiety or panic attacks 
•  feels overwhelmed or disconnected from their body 
•  wants a more holistic and compassionate view of mental health 
•  is looking for practical, lived-experience insight rather than theory 

The key message: healing doesn’t always mean eliminating anxiety completely - it can mean learning how to live freely and peacefully alongside it.

Kasia Golda-Phillips

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Hello, hello, this is Radio Kasia or the Daydreamer Podcast. This is your host, Kasia speaking. So I wanted to talk today about something that has affected my life a lot, and I hope that my story will be you know relatable to someone. Maybe you will pick up some uh tips uh from my story, maybe you will feel like you're not alone, and then you can get out of it, you can get to the other side of the problem. So I'm talking about anxiety. So I will tell my story and where I am now, but that's later. On this beautiful, beautiful, very summery day in spring in the UK, in the southeast of England, I will be talking about anxiety. So when did my anxiety start? So I had I had in the past um situation in the university that I'm pretty sure when I look at it retrospectively right now that that was the anxiety. I started getting dizzy, um, I barely could function. Woke up one day and just it felt like like I looked at the bathroom floor and it just looked weird. Um, like I was, I don't know, maybe feeling a bit of balance. I wasn't fully getting dizzy, but I I just thought I could make it so I just felt like unstable. Um I was still living with my parents. I was it stressed the hell out of me. Like, what is going on with my head, with my body, with my mental health, and um I went to the doctor immediately on the day, and there was some doctor, like a doctor of rehabilitation, like a physiotherapy. Um, and I mean it wasn't physiotherapy, it was like a doctor specializing um this type of ailments. So he said that the way my neck is built, I have this, I have a tendency to keep my neck like chin to the front, so it causes like this stares on my neck, and when I tense muscles, that it gives um all these uh symptoms of um you know when you don't have the greatest uh blood, oxygen flow flow into the brain. So that that was causing it. So I would go to the physiotherapy, I would go three times a week, but you know that illness put me to bed. I had to drop everything that was I thought was important to me, and at that time, I don't know, not many things I was actually doing were that imposed, just living very carefree life, but you know, that doesn't matter where I should not be judging myself based on where I'm now because everybody's anxiety or everybody's situations is what matters is how they see it, no comparisons, it does matter somebody has worse. So, yeah, so at that time I was very um looked like exhausted, mentally exhausted. Um, and I figured out there were situations that I was going on a cruise with my mum, and I realized that when I don't pay attention to my symptoms, they go away. It doesn't have to mean that this is um strictly psychological, but that's a very good indicator that it might be. And yeah, I started realizing that maybe there's something more, or maybe that's a multiple things at the same time, because we need to remember it doesn't have to be this or that, we don't have to work with this people that work with the physical body against the people who work with mental health, against the people that work with spirituality. Apologies, sorry, just need the super photo because losing my voice. We need to look at this a human's body holistically. To me, it's always soul, psychology, and the physical all work together, and the body to me is typically the end of this chain. So the things if they start thing happening in the body, in my opinion, it already went through some problems on the soul level, meant in your head, it there was like maybe you were exhausted, you weren't paying attention, maybe you were pushing through, and when you didn't listen to that, also it manifested in the body. So that was the first time, as I recall, my meeting with psychosomatic symptoms, and they can be severe because what was what my body wanted, just wanted me to rest, wanted me to forget about anything else that I was worrying about, and then and just lie in bed, and this is what had to happen. Um, over the years, um, I learned to to play play chess with my symptoms, I have a new symptom, I realize that this is mental, I take control, but the body now then gives me something else. Uh, we are like, you know, the same level of intellectual capacity against each other playing. Um, so yeah, we're just uh it's a difficult opponent. I mean, um these days I have a bit I try I am much more observant, but we will get we'll get with the story where I am now and uh what I think about the potential for healing, like a full healing. So yeah, so that was the that was the main incident. I've also since I was 17 I've had on and off um it's IBS, it's again it's IBS, it's irresistible, irresistible, irritable bowel uh syndrome. Um when you're like your bowels are just very easily stressed, and then you can have uh some nasty symptoms, but it's not only um it's not only that, it's not only psychological for me. There is a part of it, but there's a part of of you know me having um very strong antibiotic in the first two months of my life because I was ill, which destroyed my microbiome. Um, there will be different like family stuff that intertwined with this, so so it's it's it's just a lot, not to mention that I'm a highly sensitive person, which is um being highly sensitive, it's typically needed to have spiritual gifts, but that makes your nervous system very easy to be overloaded, um, and to be very, you know, sensitive, and that can also affect your bowels. Bowels are typically the most common first ones, right? Um, so most people know that stomach hurts when you are stressed. The problem is when you have the bowel symptoms, but you don't feel stressed, so then there is this it's surpassed already to this next level of somatization. Yeah, this is when it gets tricky because it's not always that easy to to know this is why it's happening. It's I tend to when I feel some symptom coming, I'm asking myself, what is going now? Now, is there a possibility that I am um now living through something that I'm just not paying attention? And typically the answer is yes. Yeah, so that's that was then uni. Then I think for many years I didn't feel like I was anxious, but I've always had this problem of being a bit disconnected from my body, like or pushing through, you know. I think the pushing through created the situation of being disconnected. So oh, let's not be weak, right? Let's um let's just see, we're not weak, we will just push through, and this is ends up like it ends up typically quite badly. Um, I kind of better that it happens sooner than later, because the later it happens, the more severe it can be. So, yeah, I I lived many years thinking that I don't have I'm not an anxious person. Then when I met my uh husband, uh and I talked to him about how I go back home from work, even though it's the same journey I was taking. Like I would take like almost every day back then. I would be four or five times a week in the office, and I told him how many times I check that this is the right train, and this is like London Underground, that I um then I come onto the train and then I need to on the map there are maps above these seats, and then I look like am I there? I need to find my stop and see, you know, and I and I constantly would have to check. I till today I like to check that I'm on the right um like uh stop. It's partially boredom, but the it wasn't boredom back then. It was just this anxiety, am I in the right place? Where to get out of? And he was like, Oh, and I'm sure that your your belly hurts because you ate something. Like he obviously meant it in the like an ironic way, like, woman, you are do you hear yourself like that? Even like going on a train, you're causing the amount of overthinking, this um the amount of day these daily hassles, not like a strong stressors, but the the stress that is with you every day, that just this is even worse because it starts changing like your physiology, it starts changing your like teaches you new behaviors. Um yeah, so it it's really it's really not good. Uh yeah, so that that was like okay, I I am anxious, yeah. Yeah, I I haven't thought of that. I just learned to live this way, but um, you know, actually I kind of jumped because I had um before I met him, I had uh the worst episode. This was like a night of my soul when I moved to the UK. Um, so this is all happening maybe six-seven months before I met my husband. Um, it was around September, October. I came to the UK uh 1st of May. And I was so my family is very close. And when I was in in Poland, I would even if I moved out uh six months before I moved to the UK, um, it was still being I was so close to them that you know I would do like this mini millennials shopping at their house and stuff like that. It's it I was still a child. Um and then when I moved out so far, you know, umbilical code got cut out, like almost pulled off from me. Like now I thought of Matrix, you know, like they have this this disgusting uh pulling out um uh from your mouth this like a plug that keeps you into matrix, and that um that crashed, and you know uh from the perspective it was very important. Um it's not um it's not a coincidence that I met like six seven months later my husband, um, because um all my foundations there was like a tarot tower, all my foundation foundations just were damaged, which is just completely destroyed, and yeah, I could I could build on that again, but it's typically the symptoms of that of this full crash of your mental structures um comes in a very strong way for me. That was panic attacks. That was the only time in my life I experienced panic attacks, and um no fun. If you've ever experienced panic attacks, you know what I'm talking about. I mean everybody experiences them differently, but I felt every night like I was falling into the black hole, and the amount of emotions were just practically like unbearable. I was shaking, I couldn't sleep, and then you know I moved to the UK, I had some debts that I had to pay off, and then I got to move because I moved as um as a junior employee um within the company, and they they gave me good salary, but they haven't helped me, so I knew I'll be fine over time, but I had to get money before. Um, so yeah, I knew I had to go to work, I had to pay my bills, I had to, you know, pay my rent. Um, so I had to get up and go. Um, no matter how I felt, I just couldn't, just couldn't stay in bed. And so I would be pretending in the office that I was fine, and I would, you know, my eyes, the amount of adrenaline that I had, the different hormones, like the ones that affect your eyes. Um I just felt like everything is behind the fog. There was an element of dissociation there, but also this adrenaline, like uh iris uh adjustment that I was practically almost in a always in a fight, um, where you know I could you could focus on one thing, but everything around you is a bit foggy. It felt horrible. I obviously am I obviously delivered, delivered very well because like why wouldn't I? As a woman with very strong PMS, even maybe PMDD, um I know how to show up at work, barely alive, which is something I I know you have to sometimes, but these days I do it way less. If I can't, I can't. So just a sip of water. Yeah, so I showed up. I had I remember a situation where I was sitting in the office and I was looking around, feeling crap, just pretending like everything is alright, and then I saw um one of the women that worked there, not from my team, but from the other team I worked with. She had a mark with Chesha Card. I love Alice in Wonderland, it's always been my favorite um fairy tale, and on a children's book, and it it said we are all crazy here, and it made me feel like what if I'm not the only person going through that? And if not through that, it may be something else, right? We're all sitting in front of the computers pretending that we are alright, but how many people are actually not alright in that's in that moment? Yeah, um, probably plenty, probably plenty. People are dealing with their own stuff. So that that was this part of me, you know, going through these night terrors. Um, and I was looking for help from some friend who does like um a herbologist, herbolog herbologist, like she she works with herbs, um, and and that's some um bioenergy healing, and she was like help coaching me a bit, helping, you know, I was trying to go outside when I didn't want to, I was going so to not have space for my brain to think. It was alright, but I don't think it was uh groundbreaking for me. Um, I was uh yeah, there was some other exercise I don't remember because not much was helping. And then I I had an application, I don't remember what was the name of the application, it has like affirmations, I think it was even for anxiety sufferers, and the the the quote popped up, and it said you cannot control the waves, but you can learn how to surf on them, and that was a game change. I know it sounds like nothing, but my mentality shifted. I was like, Alright, so I so this is not the way. I need to just let I need to observe, I need to just allow it to pass without being dragged in by it. So yeah, this is what I um this is what I this is what I did, and it helped a lot. I was getting feeling better, I was still having these panic attacks, but I was feeling better through them, and one day, and like I don't know how I did it, okay? I don't know, but one day I just in the night was almost one night I was going through the panic attack, I was exhausted because that was going on for like a month or so. I thought like I won't be able to do my job if I if this continues, if I don't sleep, etc. etc. And I said, I'm done, I'm done with panic attacks, I just cannot do it anymore. I'm done. And that worked. What was the mechanism here? I mean, I took control, so I know it's a bit contradictory that um I said don't control it, observe it, which is the best way because when panic attack panic attempts come a panic attack comes, it's like a tsunami, right? It's not much you can do, and you know, you can start jumping and just burning some friendly, that's the things you can come doing, but um if you want to take control of that you will lose. But I think the way I took control, it wasn't it wasn't the same part, it's just like something else switched in me, something very healing, and I'm really sorry I don't know what that was, but yeah, that that was my story. I went came to the place where like you know, like this phoenix, I was ready to come out from the ashes to get like reborn, and I made that decision that that was then, and I did it. Um yeah, yeah, that uh that's I know it sounds a bit crazy, so but for the people that are not a different name because you might be the same, you might be you have find the strength to just like take control of your of like your full mental health, uh, but it I would recommend uh for majority of people to practice observation of the emotion. Maybe this is how it works, you observe the emotions first and then you grab them. I haven't met anyone like me, even though I've worked with people with anxiety, I also have worked, yeah, similar to working, my main clients, relationships, and anxiety, but I never had never had that story. Yeah, sorry, that that's all very helpful. Focus on the part where you're just observing the emotion, you are the observer and allow it to pass through you. So that's when my panic attacks finished. And but you know, since then. I had a lot of um maybe not I never had a panic attack uh since that um since that day but you know the anxiety is coming and going depending on what is happening in your life the tendency to overthinking so you see this is the part what will not necessarily sound positive there are people that heal fully there are yeah there are people that heal fully you were you had the panic attacks you were overthinker you you are a warrior you and it goes away but there are people like me that it it never fully goes away there is some kind of a combo of learned behavior of some physiology changes because you've been doing something for so many years functioning a certain way. There will be your natural brain chemistry, your the things you took out of your home, right? My mom is a warrior or so, but this is the things that are easier to work for this natural tendency to be an overthinker and to stress about stuff, and to have this, you know, intensity of feeling that's sometimes part of you. So for some people it will be like to the target will be that's heal it fully, and for some people it will be how to get it to the level when it doesn't take joy from your life, when you can actually live your life, that you you know you you take you go out of the worst of like a panic attacks, of you know, crazy like a very high anxiety that doesn't allow you to live, and then what's left over, you have some tools how to manage it. Like I don't know, if I wake up in the night and I have a very and I have a heart palpitation, haven't happened for a while, but you know, it can happen because I'm maybe I'm stressed about something. Um and then what I do, just breathe through it and just go to sleep, right? I mean sometimes with heart palpitation, even when you breathe through it, it doesn't want to fully um relax, and then it's difficult to sleep because it would have the heart beating for your chest, it's just physically difficult to for asleep. But you know, like I know people who wake up with this type of uh heart palpitation and just run to check uh their blood pressure and start taking pills, beta blockers. You know, sometimes it will be physical, but I know for me it's not, right? And um I just relax, I don't give in, nothing is happening. It's this insight into your body, this insight into your psychology is very very important. You just need to learn, and this you learn it through practice, you learn it through going deep into your brain, into your mental side to to just learn what's there, and then you can recognize what's going on, and like I said, you sit you start noticing something, okay. Let's just sit down with with it for a moment. Like, have I been stressing about something? You know, it doesn't mean you you can't never go to the doctor. No, of course, of course you can, and this is the thing about insight, right? Is it something like that my brain is creating, or is it something that my body just needs some uh help? Yeah, you can learn it, you can really learn it, and you can have a good life. So, no matter are you the ones that can heal fully or get to the point when you just live happily, there are tools, there are ways you can overcome it and live a nice, happy life that you deserve. And that's the message I have for you. I hope it was useful. Thank you so much, and enjoy the rest of your day. Bye bye.